Anthems.

The song I posted below is one that, no matter how well I'm doing, always hits me -- when I hear it, I end up singing along ("Do you want to stay in bed all day?" YEAH!) and thinking, hey, depression in rock music! This is so totally right on -- I am in fact going to hide in my room during your party and fake sick because I don't want to be around people for the next year! Who knew, Le Tigre?
That isn't where I am right now, but mannnn, does it feel close.

I'm actually doing better in terms of makin' it on through the day, I think. I'm still in the cycle of procrastination/guilt/panic in terms of academic work, but the panic is a little better, and I'm doing a range of other things right. Making food at home, brewing my own coffee, drinking water. Talking to strangers at parties, just a little bit. I cleaned my stove and bought a bleach-y tank tab for my toilet, which makes my bathroom smell clean if nothing else. There's still a lot of mess (the carpet, for one, has not been vacuum'd since we moved in here), but...it's better. Right?

I've been thinking about this particularly, the "better-ness" of now, for the last day or so. Every so often I will get a lecture from a well-meaning friend about how I need to "live" my life. Usually this injunction is filled with vague suggestions of how I could be "living" more life -- meet more people! date! have sex with relative strangers and then kick them out of bed before the sun comes up! -- that don't really seem feasible or comfortable for me. There's the factor, of course, that I am scared of strange men and herpes and open sores and CATHOLIC GUILT DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP WATCHING ME. But the bigger issue is that, well, what am I supposed to do exactly?

The Amy Zone of Comfort is not a very inclusive space. Because of this, there are many places I can't meet new people.
1) Parties are out because of the parties I get invited to, I have already met everyone who will be in attendance. And by parties, I mean that one party, that happened that one time, and I think there were people there and also some delicious snacks. But the memory has definitely grown hazy.
2) Clubs are no. I think that's what people in this city do, get glammed up and go to clubs and dance with men wearing shiny shirts with the buttons halfway undone. This is a no because, among other things, I do not own any kind of sassy clothing. I don't think there's a halter top or a sequin in my entire sad wardrobe. You will find a nice collection of hoodies and hoodie-like garments, however.
3) The library is supposedly a place where young people who think they're smart meet other people who think they are also smart. But in the times I actually make it to the library, I have real work to do, and so does everyone around me, and no one looks happy enough to strike up a conversation.
4) Department functions. The only conversation opener I have for these kinds of things are "So, what field are you in?" and that usually runs short fast since the only field I know anything about is my own. Also, all the men are married, and even if they are cool, I am 110% sure you can't call a married dude to come hang out and watch a movie. I cannot make friends this way.
5) The bus. I get motion sickness. This is also out.

All I have found that this has left me is the internets. I tried this ploy out about a month ago, and you know what? This time it may have worked. Friday I may have made a friend. He's nice, and I like the way his pants fit. Some of you will know how important that is to me.

But, dear friends, what else should I be doing? Tell me all your secrets.