Weeks and weeks of time.

Looking back on this school year, which is still not done for me but will be forcefully done in four days when I get on the airplane, I have a hard time realizing how much actual stuff I have learned. Last summer, I had never read Kant. Last summer, I did not know how to figure out bus routes. Last summer, I had never slept on an air mattress in a room with no lighting 3000 miles away from everyone I knew.

Today I had lunch with someone I met during grad school orientation, and he told me he had been impressed with my 'knowledge' in the class we had had together this last quarter. I started to say something about how I was just bullshitting, when I realized that in fact, I hadn't been. I have a hard time remembering now any time I spent doing work over the last year, to be honest, except for bad memories of paper-writing marathons and the vague and constant feeling of being behind in every class. I don't think I have made it to a single seminar in these last three months having actually read every page that was assigned. Often, I wasn't even close. But, strangely, through all the pointless time-wasting, some things have stuck. And, in four days, I will have finished my first year as a graduate student.

Any sense of pride I might have in that is, of course, utterly destroyed right now by the crushing disappointment I have in all the time wasted. So, so many things I should have gotten done and didn't, because I couldn't make myself do it, because I was too tired or sad or lazy. The lost time is particularly brutal right now, as I have to fill every day with work until I leave, and am probably all done with having fun with my LA friends for now. Right at this minute, I should be writing in a word file, not here. I should also be visiting the post office to have them hold my mail, writing long-overdue emails, calling my parents, calling Japan to solidify my housing, getting a hair cut, and so many other little things.

Instead, well...I guess this is a study break.

I may have found a place to live in Japan for the summer after all, though. It's a "guesthouse" (which seems like a mixture of hostel and co-op) in Yokohama, and it should be right downtown close to where I go to school. I have to wait until it hits 10 am in Japan before I can call, but this looks like a good lead. The house just opened up two weeks ago, so everything should be clean and new. Of course, I will be paying about $700 a month to not have my own kitchen or bathroom, but at this point I don't really care -- having anywhere that I can stay, and can also afford, will be a lovely miracle.

And, of course, the house has free wireless internet.