It turns out I can focus on things if I make myself read them out loud to myself! This is progress, for sure. I feel all satisfied and shit right now.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

But I do not know why. The short days and the fact that I sleep til noon? That probably has a hand in it.
Tonight I definitely have spent a lot of time feeling like it was time to cry, even though it was not. Then it would go away for a little, and then come back. I do not have any concrete reason to be unhappy at right this minute, and yet!
Maybe I'm less happy when I'm cold? Right now I am definitely also cold, even though I am inside, wearing a sweatshirt, and sitting on my feet.
I'm not sure what's going on, because I spent two hours today talking with a friend over coffee, and then had a surprise phone call from another friend who spent some time laughing at funny things I said. I thought more social interaction is what I needed to keep the sads away, but that does not appear to be the case.

So today, I did some sit-ups, and then I read most of the wikipedia entry on major depressive disorder. To see if there were some things in there that I hadn't already heard about. Now, I am thinking about T3 (a drug for those with hypothyroidism that also helps with depression, as well as part of the Terminator franchise of movies), atypical anti-psychotics, and light therapy. All things I can bring up with my doctor this week I suppose! Or maybe we can just sit down and talk about the Terminator franchise instead, for a refreshing change of pace.

Maybe my doctor will give me one of those little headsets that shines light into your eyes. I saw someone wearing one of those on an episode of "Northern Exposure", during my childhood.

Anyway, I'm pretty depressed right now! It's too bad, because I'd really prefer to be a whole range of other emotions. So, now you know that.

Meeting people is easy.

In unfortunate news, I may very well go on three first dates this week. I have already gone on one, which at least went "okay". I do not know if it went any better than okay, because I am an awkward beast and not particularly great at reading strangers. I can say that it wasn't a failure in that my jokes were often laughed at, and at the end of the evening my date and I were on decent enough terms to say that we'd had a good time and to hug. So, you know, I can at least say that no one was repulsed by me last night. Hooray!

Now I have to play the "will there or will there not be a second date" game with that one. I would rather vomit for the next hour straight than wonder whether or not someone's going to call. I was not made to play the "girl" role in these sorts of scenarios. I don't even know if that's still appealing or not, to play aloof, to be the girl who only responds to every other text someone sends her. Certainly there are a lot of people who believe in playing games with availability, dating multiple people at once, hedging their bets. I probably should figure out how to add a little of that into my life, because I generally want to jump into getting to know someone with both feet. I like the freedom to be enthusiastic about another person, but in the wrong context that can come across as annoying, or even creepy. I do not want to be that kind of lady either.

But the lineup of 3 dates over less than 7 days was nothing I chose, just sort of the way things worked out. Tomorrow is a coffee date with a boy I know I will not end up dating for one very simple reason: this boy is not yet divorced. Separated, for nearly a year I guess, but not actually divorced. Guess who does not ever, ever, ever want to be involved with someone who is married, even if that person is just married on paper? This lady, this one right here.

Date number 3 is with a nice-seeming dude who makes odd music and works on installing museum exhibits, and who I know almost nothing about. Pursuant to that, I have no real expectations for this date, but at least this one is not motherfucking married. Jesus H. Christ, what the hell.

I also just received an email from a boy I was kind of "in love with" while I lived in Japan, asking when I'll be returning to that country. That this boy was not single for most of the time I knew him, but is single now, adds a whole extra exciting layer of aw;eoriuawaorjw;fjehrltwerifuwaedfget to things.

Being a lady is...

I am really enjoying this St. Vincent album, a few months behind the curve I suppose, but that's about my speed right now. Two nights ago, I put it on while a male friend was at my home. He told me he liked the album as well, and then mentioned how attractive the artist is. Google has confirmed this is the case.
I sometimes wish that the female musicians, writers, bloggers etc that I liked did not all seem to be thinner and prettier than the average lady. Is that somehow a misogynist thing to say? I sort of feel disappointed to see that all the women who's being celebrated for being talented, even in the sort of "indie" realm I operate in, are also very pretty in the face and skinny in the body. Where's my lady Thom Yorke? That man's uncomfortable visage just sort of adds to his music.
Maybe I just have to learn to be cool with "hot girls who are also talented", instead of "appreciative yet also jealous of" these people. Yet in a weird way I feel like in desiring to date men, I am not only up against the ladies around me, but also these hipster-ideal artists of various stripes. I even almost didn't share the (witty, off-beat, excellent) writings of Edith Zimmerman with my friends, even though I like them quite a bit, for fear of being somehow compared to her in terms of my own wit and cuteness. That lady has some extreme cute-face.

I dearly wish I could view my own gender in a more rational way.

I am feeling pretty bad tonight for no particular reason. If you are feeling similarly, I bet reading this will cheer you up a little: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cats_with_fraudulent_diplomas

Retract.

I thought better of that last one.