Things I don't like.

Here is a list of things I particularly don't enjoy, in case you were ever curious.

1. Lima beans.

2. The ambiguity of dating someone new (not to be confused with the excitement of dating someone new).

3. This whole Lady Gaga bullshit.

4. Yellow-y light incandescent bulbs.

5. Large or weird-looking bugs.

6. Pit stains.

7. People looking at me when I don't feel like being looked at.

8. When I overcook my bowl of peas in the microwave.

9. Sitcoms where the fat husband has the hot wife. As well as sitcoms, in general.

10. My own complete inability to put my clothing away in a drawer.

11. People who respond to an either/or question with "yes". I.E., Me: "Do you want to go to the store before or after dinner?" My mother: "Yes."

12. Insufficiently sharp pencils.

13. Places that sell women's shoes, but only carry up to size 10.

14. A lot of things about contemporary politics and the state of the world today that would take a very long list indeed to describe in full.

15. Doing the dishes, unless I'm in a great mood and there's music on.

16. The feeling that the future holds many unforeseen and unfortunate events.

17. Finding dirty clothes intermingling with the clean clothes.

18. Moths in the house.

19. People who don't at some point ask "how are you?" after you have asked them that same question.

20. Not knowing when a text message conversation has officially ended.

21. Owning things that are supposed to be dry-cleaned, but not being able to afford dry-cleaning.

22. White people who think Japan is "fascinating," yet hold a slew of very stereotypical views on that same subject. Non-white people are also sometimes guilty of this offense.

23. The incredibly large amount of disorganized papers I possess.

24. Provolone cheese.

25. People who don't like tomatoes.

26. Blisters on the back of the heel.

27. Tripping on the cracks in the sidewalk.

28. Tripping on the cracks in the sidewalk, while someone is watching.

29. Hearing that an actor I liked signed that Roman Polanski petition.

30. Being unemployable.

31. Loneliness.

32. People who are really proud that they're meat eaters.

33. Knowing that my car will inevitably break down in a fantastic manner.

34. All the good shows getting canceled.

35. Losing touch with friends in faraway places.

36. Just about everything that has to do with menstruation.

37. Never, ever seeming to know where my keys are.

38. How in general adulthood seems to be about denying yourself small pleasures in service of a "future" plan or goal that might never come to fruition.

That seems like enough for now.

Failure!

Man. To avoid the continued blues tonight, I asked around five different people (consequently, just about the entire number of people I know in Los Angeles) if they'd like to hang out tonight, and all five were busy or had other plans or didn't get back to me. So now I have a continued version of the blues, going on from earlier today when I went to the ol' doctor's office and found out that my heart is acting weird. Not necessarily acting bad, but acting weird, doing some random thing that normal hearts do not do. I am, understandably, concerned.

This was my second EKG, by the by; the first one came about because a medication I was on raised my heart rate through the roof. Most likely, a different medication is now making my heart add in extra beats where no extra beats are needed. I won't find that out for sure, though, until I see a cardiologist next week. That is a scary person to need to see at 26.

Besides that, I have been presented with a new way to deal with all my myriad stresses and anxieties and bouts of good old-fashioned sadness. That way is to enter a program on campus that takes up 20-some hours of one's week with therapy of different sorts. It is really quite intense to think of going from 1, maybe 2 hours of dealing with one's problems in a clinical setting per week, to over 20 of those same hours. Hours talking with a doctor, with a therapist, in a group of similarly (or differently) mentally messy people. I feel very weird and, of course, apprehensive about going into this program, but at the same time my options feel pretty slim. I'm not "performing" in school, poorly or otherwise; just lately not doing any sort of school thing at all, which of course places me as an ideal candidate to be booted out of the university and onto my ass. Since I don't want that to happen, I have to be able to show the university that I'm making all good faith efforts to get back on my feet. On my brain's feet. Whatever. And this is apparently the best way to do that, to get back to a place where I'm doing work and feeling like a human being and not constantly down on myself.

On second thought, I don't think I have ever fully been to that place. So, you know, the idea of a "healthy" me is quite appealing but at the same time feels like a pipe dream. It's a place I'm in some way totally unfamiliar with. I've been anxious and nervous and self-deprecating as long as I've even had a personality.

So. Who is the Amy who knows what she is capable of, who goes out and does things, who is brave in the face of the world? Who is the Amy who doesn't worry about things that haven't happened yet? How am I going to become that lady?

Stress!

Things I am currently worried about:
1 - Paying rent in July.
2 - Moving for August 1st.
3 - Who will I be living with in this new apartment?
4 - Where will I be living?
5 - How will I possibly pay to move into a new place?
6 - Will I still be in grad school any more at that point?
7 - How will my brain get better if I am spending all my time doing low-paying jobs?
8 - Am I even qualified to do a job that pays more than nothing?
9 - When will the boy I like contact me again?
10 - Am I "trying too hard" to pursue someone when I am not "supposed" to do that?
11 - Am I wasting my brain, or is my brain wasting me?
12 - Why do I keep worrying so much about things?

I suppose this is an incomplete list.