Failure!

Man. To avoid the continued blues tonight, I asked around five different people (consequently, just about the entire number of people I know in Los Angeles) if they'd like to hang out tonight, and all five were busy or had other plans or didn't get back to me. So now I have a continued version of the blues, going on from earlier today when I went to the ol' doctor's office and found out that my heart is acting weird. Not necessarily acting bad, but acting weird, doing some random thing that normal hearts do not do. I am, understandably, concerned.

This was my second EKG, by the by; the first one came about because a medication I was on raised my heart rate through the roof. Most likely, a different medication is now making my heart add in extra beats where no extra beats are needed. I won't find that out for sure, though, until I see a cardiologist next week. That is a scary person to need to see at 26.

Besides that, I have been presented with a new way to deal with all my myriad stresses and anxieties and bouts of good old-fashioned sadness. That way is to enter a program on campus that takes up 20-some hours of one's week with therapy of different sorts. It is really quite intense to think of going from 1, maybe 2 hours of dealing with one's problems in a clinical setting per week, to over 20 of those same hours. Hours talking with a doctor, with a therapist, in a group of similarly (or differently) mentally messy people. I feel very weird and, of course, apprehensive about going into this program, but at the same time my options feel pretty slim. I'm not "performing" in school, poorly or otherwise; just lately not doing any sort of school thing at all, which of course places me as an ideal candidate to be booted out of the university and onto my ass. Since I don't want that to happen, I have to be able to show the university that I'm making all good faith efforts to get back on my feet. On my brain's feet. Whatever. And this is apparently the best way to do that, to get back to a place where I'm doing work and feeling like a human being and not constantly down on myself.

On second thought, I don't think I have ever fully been to that place. So, you know, the idea of a "healthy" me is quite appealing but at the same time feels like a pipe dream. It's a place I'm in some way totally unfamiliar with. I've been anxious and nervous and self-deprecating as long as I've even had a personality.

So. Who is the Amy who knows what she is capable of, who goes out and does things, who is brave in the face of the world? Who is the Amy who doesn't worry about things that haven't happened yet? How am I going to become that lady?